diamonds are forever...

[Filtered Private to Faculty]
Ivan, I never thought I'd be so glad to have you that close to my breasts for such an extended period of time. I'd hug you if the very thought didn't chill me to the marrow of my bones. Still, I hope you were satisfied by the [...] hump-pat.
[/Faculty]

[Filtered Private to Faculty and Students INCLUDING IVAN VON KYPHOS!]
I'm keeping this textual as much as possible, to minimize the chances of our being overheard. As some of you know, and some of you don't, Professor von Kyphos has freed me from my collar, and as a result of that I have my powers back. Which means we suddenly find ourselves with a plentiful supply of manipulatable diamond, my little darlings scattered across time and space. For now, that isn't so much of a boon for you as it is for us here at the palace, but rest assured it's only a matter of time before we work something out. Once the rest of the faculty is free, this place is going to topple like a Lou Gehrig house of cards.

As before, I implore you not to let this information leave our private filter: if VILLAIN get hold of our plans before we bring them to fruition, we'll be in an even worse position than before. It's going to take me some time to get around everyone, and if we give them the slightest cause for concern...Well, fortunately half of our esteemed Deans are doing their best on that end, but it'd still be best for us not to push the envelope.

Take heart, boys and girls. The sun also rises...and it's about to shine right in the eyes of this Caesar motherfuc gentleman.
[/Faculty and Students]

[Filtered Private to Zaccheus Odd]
I'm not one for quoting heroes, but...this must be what pain feels like(!) Anything you can do for it while I work?
[/Zaccheus]

Who would have guessed that I might find my calling here. That I would find it not in teaching the brave and upstanding students who have shown their talent and strength of character in these past days, nor in supporting their fine moral fiber and keen intellects. Even my acts of breathtaking villainy are as naught, in the face of standing around now -as I am- in a four-inch strip of gauze, shoveling grapes into the flapping, inanity-spewing maw of a small man in novelty armor.

I've truly never felt so fulfilled in my life(!) Carry on, students: whether you count yourself as League, Band or neither of the two, never before have I been so proud to number myself amongst your teachers. Your courage and tenacity are shaming.


[Private to Faculty]
Despite what you might believe to the contrary, Sandy seems to have been on the level with us previously. I owe her an apology, but not even the forces of Hell could get me to say it out loud. Frankly, I don't want to discuss my duties in detail, but we have precious few moments to ourselves and Caesar has shown himself to have little restraint in using these collars should I we act to his displeasure. Not that I expected otherwise, considering what else he's done so far. Don't worry - action and thought are two different things, and if Sandy and I have to work together to overcome this, we will. That alone should clue you in to how dire things are.
[/Faculty]

[Private to League-Affiliated Faculty, excluding Ivan]
Small piece of news, if you're interested. Consider it an unsubstantiated guess for now, but I think Dr Horrible is still alive. Caesar refuses to answer my questions about what's happened to him; why would he do that? If he were dead, or captured, then my assumption is that the tin-plated bastard would want to show him off like a prize beagle. He certainly wouldn't waste time shocking me if he knew what seeing the Doc in chains would do. And he certainly has been getting some use out of this collar...I'm beginning to wonder if I should just wait until the batteries wear out and make my move then.

Long story short: if he is still free, and he may not be, then we could extrapolate that the other members of the Circle are likewise. As much as we are trying to get out, there is a chance -however slim- that others are trying to get in. Is there ANY way we can get a message out to the city? Even the briefest missive might be enough.
[/League]

I'm sure that, should I stop for a moment or two to properly engage my interest over you students, I might find that you've all been up to several different kinds of amazing fun over the last few weeks. Derring-do, making plans, having loves and all those myriad trivialities that are deathly important when one is a teen. I have, however, come to the conclusion (and if you're not already ahead of me, my darling little resource drains, then I wouldn't hold out much hope of a good grade from my class) that I simply don't have enough time or inclination to try and decipher your inane, hormone-fuelled scribblings. So that, as they say, is that.

There are...certain matters that I won't be commenting on (for obvious reasons, though if you want an explicit one then I just don't want to turn up on Gayor Marvelous' blog this week - it's quite enough for me that his love of my evening wear borders on the obsessive) so let us suffice it to say that I hope everyone is performing or has performed adequately in their exams, and will receive the grading that they deserve. It's often remarked that water finds its level, but sadly the same isn't true of student accomplishment: often it will be the undeserving and vapid who pull ahead, whilst the diligent and thoughtful are short-changed. Before you all decide to throw yourselves into the sea, though, remember this - karma has a long memory, and a cruel sense of humor. Most of those whom you envy at this school will either go on to lead dull, unremarkable lives or will die horribly in a super-stunt gone tragically wrong. Keep hold of that and it will warm your heart (or whatever mystical or mechanical equivalent you possess) for the decades to come. It will warm you with the delicious, bitter flame of schadenfreude.

Oh, and a very merry Christmas to you all.

[Privated to the League-affiliated members of faculty: Zaccheus, Ivan, Atticus, Mycroft, Carrick, Nora, Mathilde and Harold]
I am beginning to learn first-hand how the rats aboard the Titanic felt. If only our resourceful little handyman was as capable at fixing our less literal sanitation problems. I should think that, most likely, I'll be unavailable for most of the night -- but I have my phone with me, in case of emergencies. Something like this isn’t like electing a new Pope: it takes time, and considerable thought.
[/Private]

Just a small note to let the general population know that I'll be out of contact tonight, for all of your general holiday requirements. I'll be attending the official League ball with the Doctor tonight -dressed, naturally, as Mayor Marvelous and Ms Indestructible (though which one of us is which might be a surprise)- and so won't be on-campus any time after 7pm. I'll be leaving a suitable amount of candies in a bowl outside my office door if any of you are still in a trick-or-treating mood, though I should warn you: one of them has been laced with clostridium difficile, so...good luck, kids.

Oh, and Sandy? Fond as you are of getting between the Mayor and his beloved, you're not invited to this particular get-together. Still, I suppose you won't mind: this must be your busiest night of the year, after all! What with having to find another virgin to sacrifice to the Goddess of Youth for another year's beauty.

( Private to Atticus )

FAO: Advanced Witty Banter students
Congratulations on surviving thus far with minimal loss of sanity and (against my expectations, I must admit) all limbs attached. One of you lost an eye, that's true, but the cybernetic replacement is very fetching -- and I hope it will teach you the wisdom of listening to me when I tell you to duck. The nurturing instinct is not an easy one for me to display, so when the situation arises that I appear to show concern for your well-being, it would make sense for you to break the habits of a lifetime and pay attention.

However, from here on in, there be dragons. You may recall my mentioning last trimester that there was a steep learning curve - now, it would be fair to say that there is no learning curve. What you face this trimester is a learning cliff face: either you will scale it, and receive my admiration (unlikely) or you will fail and consign yourself to a life of tedious banality and insipidly moribund conversational skills. You will, in short, fail at one of the most intrinsic elements of being a superhero or villain. And if you fail at the basics here in Neopolis, you will never -allow me to repeat for emphasis, never- be taken seriously in this city.

You will be broken, and remoulded. You will undergo psychological distortion that you did not believe possible, and forged once again by the fires of stress and self-actualisation. Many of you will require the ministrations of Emputron-3000; some of you will shatter under the pressure of my expectations and leave forever. A lucky few will realize your own potential and go on to heights you had never dreamed of before now.

The information in regards to our scheduled field trips and guest speakers can be found in your class handbooks - please note that one week is still listed as TBD. I'm working on securing an old friend to give a speech, but nothing is set in stone yet. And as a final note (that is, a note about your finals): you have read correctly. Your practical examination will be taking place in a gladiatorial arena. I have not yet decided, however, whether or not you will fight to the death. Please note that I am both open and willing to being bribed toward either decision.

If you are expecting an easy class, after this long, you are in the wrong place. Welcome to the most physically and mentally challenging course at the Academy. I hope to see some of you at the final.

A Reminder of The Rules
1) The use of deadly force is prohibited, except in certain, yet-to-be-finalized situations.
2) The readings you have been set are not optional.
3) Anyone using so much as a single instance of sarcasm within the classroom environment will receive an automatic F. We went through this last trimester and the trimester before, children - Sarcasm Isn't Witty. It's lazy, and it's unforgivable in a true villain. Or hero, of course. Some of you are STILL falling on this sword: if you require pain as an incentive not to use sarcasm, I am more than willing to provide it as an option.

Avast, ye scurvy barnacles!

As every right-thinkin' Neopolitan knows, we set aside September 19th to raise a flagon o' grog to that most ANCIENT of institutions: the pirate! Cabin boys and buxon wenches the city over are gettin' the spirit of swashbucklin' within 'em today, and I be no exception. Let the mainlanders have their fun and games today; only we on The Isle know its real significance: to give our thanks to the buccaneers in our midst who make sure we have our daily rum and lashings!

We have some pirates in our midst, Miss Collins and Mr Lowe - and before ye splice the mainbrace with 'em, raise a glass in the direction of our nautical neighborhoods! There be parties and jigs takin' place down by the docks, from first dog watch to eight bells: go down and salute the admiral, but be sure to tell 'em Cutthroat Kim sent ye, or it'll be a keel-haulin' for you mangy lobsters!

Get ye down and have some fun, or it's the Black Spot for the lot of ye!



[Locked to Faculty]
Shiver me timbers, etc etc. Get your asses down to the Tortured Tortugan by 8pm; my old flame Captain Dreadbone's docked for the night, and he's up for hornswoggling some of you lightweights in a hand or twelve of poker! It's the inn down on the corner of Bonny Street and Read Row, can't miss it! It'll be the one with the brawl outside.
[/Faculty]

[Locked to Faculty Members]
Shall I go to the trouble of writing my resignation letter alongside ex-Counselor Bob Robert, or shall we just take it as read?
[/Faculty]

[Locked to Faculty]
All right. This has all been fun, but enough is enough. We've shared some laughs, we've exercised. I pummeled my blues away and I am feeling so much better it's unreal. But now I'm getting a little cold and I'd like a bath. My dress is probably not going to be salvageable...and I'm sorry Ivan, but I've been dripping rather a lot of gore (not my own, thankfully) all over your upholstery.

Zaccheus, James, Atticus: get this mess cleaned up now and I'll take you all out for dinner. I've been trying to get in touch with Dead Bowie but it looks like the League comm (gasp shock horror, Conflict Diamond is still in contact with etc etc) is dead.

Sandy, June, Jim, Mick: get yourselves out into the quad and buy the rest of us some time. We'll build statues in your honor, I promise.

Ivan: Where do you keep the liquor?
[/Faculty]


ATTN: GOTHIC STUDENTS
Any of you who admit to underage drinking (and, more importantly, tell me where you're hiding it) will earn my eternal thanks. Well, actually you'll be lucky if I even remember your name, but the thought's there. Jump to it, kids - the only hot teacher needs your help.

ATTN: Intermediate Witty Banter students

Breaking the apparently ancient tradition of joyless professors, I'd like to take these last few minutes to inform my students that your Personal Development projects are entirely welcome within my class - but, by the same token, you may not consider it safe haven. I fully encourage fighting amongst yourselves to wrest control of these things away from their temporary parental figures...and who knows? If I don't see enough friendly rivalry amongst you all, maybe I'll start stealing them off you instead. And up springs a healthy black market in robotic infants. If my mother could see me now(!)

See you all next week.

+Conflict Diamond.

Whilst I'm entirely behind the endeavors of a woman to ensure that she gets at least her value out of any man worth her time, there's something a trifle unsporting about going about it like this. My opinions on 'good causes' notwithstanding, the whole idea of auctioning yourself off brings to mind -to this humble observer, in any case- more cattle than ladies. Whether or not that's an accurate assessment remains to be seen, I'm sure(!) Still, at least it will provide an excuse for the males of this school to dispense with their usual level of chivalry, and descend into a baying pack of starving dogs being taunted with, as I suppose this analogy demands, a tender piece of meat. What a difference it will make. I imagine the appropriate coda to this is 'good luck'.

A short reminder to my Intermediate Banter class: your essays on the anatomy of the perfect riposte will be required by this coming Wednesday. Your previous deadline of Friday has had to be moved up, due to my own commitments in the city over the weekend. On a similar note, I will not be present for Friday's class, but this does not mean that the session is cancelled: you will instead by focusing on physical and verbal combat in the gym. I expect full attendance - anyone determined to have skipped will find their final grade reduced by one full letter.

Have a good week.

[ Private to Faculty ]
On that note, Thursday's poker night is cancelled unless one of you wants to fill in as a guest host. I have to leave for Neopolis on Thursday lunchtime, and I won't be back until early Monday - possibly Sunday if all goes well. Obviously, I can't reveal the nature of my absence, but do rest assured that I'll be coming back. Barring any fatal accidents, of course.

Zaccheus, James: could I possibly ask one or both of you to raise something hellish to keep order in my class on Friday? Nothing too mentally destabilizing, but enough to cause light nightmares for a week or two. I'd be so grateful.
[ /Faculty ]

Although I have attempted to keep my access to this network to a minimum over the past few weeks, this week's event mean that I don't have a great deal of choice in the matter. I had hoped that your commitment to my class would mean that I might have 100% attendance for the first session, but since some of you chose not to turn up -perhaps you were inebriated, or simply had better things to do- I'll repeat myself here. And in the interests of repeating myself, I will tell you all what I told those who bothered to attend: anyone who wasn't present in my first class has already lost a full letter grade off their final mark.

So, welcome to Intermediate Witty Banter. If you thought my introductory class was easy, prepare for a steep learning curve. If you thought my introductory class was tough, say goodbye to your weekends. If you are looking for an easy class, then I suggest you go and see if you can sign up for the Pink Avenger's seminar before it's too late, because I am letting you know now that I am taking no prisoners this trimester. We will develop everything you have learned last year, and introduce new concepts as they arise - you will be expected to have stepped up your game. Your tongues will be sharper, your fights will be more dangerous, your deadlines will be unforgiving. Anyone I deem not to be giving their all will leave my classroom and they will not come back: you have been warned.

The Rules
1) The use of deadly force is prohibited.
2) The readings you have been set are not optional.
3) Anyone using so much as a single instance of sarcasm within the classroom environment will receive an automatic F. We went through this last trimester, children - Sarcasm Isn't Witty. It's lazy, and it's unforgivable in a true villain. Or hero, of course.

Those are the rules. Break them, and I will break you. Adhere to them, and we will get on like Mayor Marvelous' office on fire.

( Private to the Faculty )

( Private to Violet )


[Private to the Civil War Group]
Anyone who sees fit to survive until we are (undoubtedly soon) plucked out of this lovely little snapshot in time and redeposited in our own time will be rewarded. Take hold of this, students: for those of us who get back (which had, frankly, better be all of us), I will be taking you to eat at "Fugu". For those of you not in the know, "Fugu" remains the last dining establishment reserved solely for Dr Horrible and his closest allies: I daresay he won't begrudge us an invitation if when we return.

Survive, and you boys and girls will get a glimpse of a better life. Die, and I'll be most annoyed. You have your choice. Good luck, kids - I couldn't have picked a better group to get chrono-stranded with. But if I had picked a better group, it would have included a time-traveler.
[/Civil War]

Pull yourselves together, my God. In the old days, which were paradoxically days that haven't yet occurred in my timeframe, we went to our inevitable deaths with our heads held high! Some of us cackling insanely, too...although in Professor Psychlonis' case, I don't believe he actually knew polarising that iodium tube would cause his lab to molecularly destabilise.

In any case, do try and show a little decorum. I mean, do you all want to end up like the Pink Avenger? I thought not.

I'll be brief. Having one of my students shot has brought a great deal of clarity to the situation, and I'm tired of playing nice. I've been a nursemaid? A housewife? My god, I went out and comforted a woman over the death of her husband, and it hasn't even happened yet! This isn't me, or if it is then it's Yvett a part of me that died a long time ago.

I am going to fetch Christian Cox. I will go alone or I will bring one or two volunteers if any of you are feeling up to it, but I am going. There will be some swearing, a little violence - it's going to be pretty PG-13, kids. There'll be no trading, no compromises, but there WILL be some heads being cracked and some cells being broken into.

This might seem reckless, but if any of you have objections I'll be happy to listen to them. Except I'll be leaving in ten minutes, so object quickly.


[Locked Private to Faculty]
I have had enough of these motherfucking Confederates in my motherfucking face. The Union soldiers are going to look like soldier ants once these 'Federate boys have met me.
[/Faculty]

[Civil War Group]
We need to ensure that
I'm sorry if I was a little fli
There's little point in a
We probably won't be going ho

Oh, fuck it.

'Saving lives' is a concept unfamiliar to me: in the ELE, we weren't too concerned with that kind of thing. There were always more henchmen, and if one of us bit the dust? Well, that just meant more elbow room for the rest of us. Most of us who actually mattered were loyal to the group - we didn't go out of our way to kill each other off, but if someone met with an accident? We didn't rush to their bedside. Now, though...I was in the hospital yesterday, tending to the wounded. A dirty business, but we're in a dirty world right now, and I guess if I can do something to bring a little brightness to them...well, it's the right thing to do, ELE or BHH. I don't think anyone in my group would disagree with that: if we can spread a little happiness to these people, we should. Yes? Of course yes.

We're beginning to eke out something resembling a life. We have food, thanks almost entirely to three of our number, and if nothing else Christian Cox is a never-ending source of the closest thing we can get to amusement in this place. We have shelter, although houses in 1863 weren't well-built even pre-cannon fire, and I can hear every sound going around here which isn't the most ideal of situations. Barring accidents, we can probably outlast the siege, and then after that...well, we'll most likely be arrested when everyone returns to their homes. We may need to leave before that happens, and see if we can head North.

Only another month until the siege ends(!)

( Locked to the Faculty )

( Locked to Violet Broome )

[Locked to the Civil War group]
Let me be clear.

I realize I have very little authority in a situation so unique as this: after all, the institution that gives me the right to tell you what to do won't exist for another hundred and forty years. But by that same token, the institution that pays me to keep you safe also won't exist for another hundred and forty years.

If you get yourselves drunk, and we need to move quickly, I am going to leave you to die. I hope all of you understand this fact: we are doing our damnedest to get home and keep everyone alive, and if you're going to repay that by clouding your judgment then none of us owe you anything.

Don't let my effortless charm and apparent ease of acclimation fool you, children: you are in more danger right now than you have yet been in your short, unimpressive lives. Please make your decisions carefully, because I'll tell you now that I won't sugar the pill for your parents when I tell them how you died.

I am so fucking ti
[/Locked]

[Locked to Cole]
How are you holding up, Mr Jones? I don't want to sound remote, but [...] these devices can often let you articulate things you wouldn't say out loud.
[/Locked]

[Locked to Violet]
This looks like it could be a permanent prolonged engagement, then. I need you to send an email to b@mildmanneredalterego.net with the word "zirconia" in the subject header. Explain where I am, and that I am totally incommunicado, except through you. You will likely not receive a reply.
[/Locked]

FAO: Neopolis, present day.
URGENT

I need a street map of Vicksburg, Mississippi from the end of the siege. Find me a house that's still standing at the end of the fighting - we're going to be moving in until this is all over. I want this information sooner than now, boys.


...We'll probably also need a cellar, with a sturdy door.

[Locked to Atticus Bell]

I hear you're hanging with Fat Sam and company. Is it thrilling?

...Remind me again why we aren't, as responsible adults, putting a stop to this? I mean, I know why I'm not personally doing anything -insomuch as I just don't care until it proves fatal and/or a threat to me- but you'd think that our esteemed Doctor Odd and his thaumically-enhanced minions would want to intervene in this case. Or perhaps he's right there in the middle of it. Completely against his will, I'm sure. Wrong time, wrong place(!)

I was fine with looking the other way on 4/20, especially since I was preoccupied mys mysteriously but verifiably away from the internet all day and night, but...

Oh, nuts to it. I'm not Magic. Someone sort it the hell out before they really annoy me, or some kids are going home on break with their limbs in a suitcase.

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
But diamonds are a ( girl's best friend )

( Course Syllabus for Witty Banter )